First and foremost, a healthy relationship begins with YOU! You must first have a healthy relationship with yourself before you can even consider delving into one with someone else. So often people fall into relationships for the wrong reasons – whether they know it or not. Commonly to fill a void or to compensate for a self-love deficit.
Obviously I can only write this from the perspective of a woman. But a woman who was once a young, fragile girl with no self esteem and no sense of self worth. A girl overcome with so much self hatred that she (unknowingly, until now) relied on others to feel any kind of happiness and love. A girl who is now transformed into a strong and independent woman. A woman who has finally learnt to love herself and is completely content in her own skin.
In hindsight, (along with life experience), I can now see that my self-love deficit was a huge contributing factor to why my one and only true relationship broke down. Yes I was in love once and yes it was magical. It was five years ago and it was three years of my life. I was so happy and so in love. I look back on it with fond memories but I was also young and I didn’t know who I was. I was insecure and easily broken. I was emotionally weak and far too dependent. I put up with things I probably shouldn’t have but I also caused a lot of my own heartbreak by failing to love myself first and as a result settled for less than I deserved.
It is only now, five years on, that I realise how important self-love and self-acceptance is in order for a relationship to work. You need to be content with who you are as a person and have an understanding of yourself. You need to have established your own beliefs and be grounded in your values. You need to love yourself fully and accept yourself as you are. You need to do all this before you let someone else in, so that you can be sure you are embarking on a relationship for the right reasons.
“It’s all about falling in love with yourself first and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit” – Eartha Kitt
Once you have established yourself as a person and truly know who you are. When you have learnt to be happy alone and content in your own company. Once you truly and wholeheartedly love and accept yourself. Once you understand the value of your worth and know what you deserve in a partner, is it then, and only then that you will be ready to share your heart.
When that time comes, it is about finding someone who brings out the very best in you. A person who supports your dreams, your ambitions, your goals and drives you to achieve them. Someone who constantly makes you happy, your smile bigger and your laugh louder. A best friend. A soul mate.
A healthy relationship should be nurturing, compassionate, selfless and comfortable. It should be built on a foundation of trust, mutual core values and similar beliefs. You should be able to co-exist as two independent individuals. There should be open and honest communication and unbreakable loyalty. Both partners should be equally committed. It should be real. It should be raw. It should be passionate. It should be fun.
“Why should a relationship mean settling down? Wait for someone who won’t let life escape you, who’ll challenge you and drive you toward your dreams. Someone spontaneous you can get lost in the world with. A relationship, with the right person, is a release not a restriction” – Beau Taplin
People ask me why am I still single. The answer: because I am not willing to settle for anything less than a love that is REAL! Of course I want to find love again. I want to find my soulmate. I want to be able to share my life with someone – to share my greatest hopes, my biggest fears and my wildest dreams with them. To talk together for hours on end with raw authenticity. I am at a point where I am so happy within myself and all I want from here is to continue to grow as a woman. To thrive in my career goals. To travel the world and experience life. And as much as I want to pursue all of this on my own, it would be so amazing to have someone by my side to share all this with as well. But I am just not going to settle for anything less than a love that I deserve.
I refuse to settle for mediocracy. I don’t do things half-hearted. I am either all in or all out. And love is absolutely no exception. Love should be passionate. It should feel like fireworks every time you are together. You should feel excited butterflies and even a little bit nervous around one another. It should feel 100% right. There should be no doubt in your mind. This is what I am waiting for. I am searching for someone who will be build me up and push me to achieve my dreams. Someone I can grow and mature alongside with. A partner in crime, who makes the smallest, simplest things in life fun. I am looking for that elusive spark. That spark I have only ever felt once before, but believe with all my heart that I WILL experience again one day.
“Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn’t be one of them.” – Unknown
Until then, I am so content cruising along solo. I trust in the universe and have faith that my person will come along when the time is right.
Love Eloise xx